The Longest Relationship

Some of the most powerful but also the most heartbreaking lessons I learned about life, comes from my childhood.  In this episode, I'll share with you a story that's been nearly 25 years in the making. You may want to grab a box of tissues for this one!

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Logo Art by Ella Apuntar. 

Transcript

Arlan | 0:11
Hello and welcome to My Offering to You. I am your host, Arlan Mendiola. From being in community with others, I have always known that my strengths have been my vulnerability, reflections, and stories. I want to share my reflections and stories about life with you in the hopes that it creates a spark, provides clarity, or even new possibilities.

Arlan | 0:38
In today’s episode, I’ll share with you a very intimate part of my life that has defined and redefined who I am. As heartbreaking as this part of my life has been, I have been able to pick up the pieces and heal my heart. So here’s a story that’s been nearly 25 years in the making.

Arlan | 1:05
Growing up, I didn’t understand why my biological father wasn’t around. I knew that he existed and that he was living in the Philippines while my mother and I lived in California. I can’t even recall if younger me ever asked my mother about why he wasn’t around. I think I just accepted that he was there while we were here.

Arlan | 1:32
When I was in second grade, my grandparents were going to visit the Philippines to see family. I remember before they left, they asked me to write a letter to my biological father. They thought it would be important for me to write something for him, even if it was a short message. I can’t remember exactly what I wrote beyond conveying the message that I loved him. When I was tearfully saying my goodbyes to my grandparents at the airport, I held within me the hope that he would write a letter back to me. 

Arlan | 2:06
A month or two passed and my grandparents returned with pasalubong, or souvenirs, as well as stories of our family. They updated my mother and my uncle and aunt on how the rest of the family were. As I was looking through the pasalubong and hearing the stories, I kept waiting to receive my letter from him. After all of the stories were told and the pasalubong was passed out, that was it. There was no letter from him.

Arlan | 2:38
I didn’t have the words nor the courage to ask my grandparents what had happened. “Did I do something wrong? Did he not love me?” I just couldn’t understand. I kept these thoughts to myself. After all, I was about 7 years old and I didn’t think it was something to bring up with my grandparents or even my mother. 

Arlan | 3:02
Then came that fateful day in church. I remember kneeling at the pew, holding my hands in prayer and started to wonder even more about my biological father. At the time, I didn’t know why my parents were no longer together. All I knew then was that I was supposedly born out of wedlock. And so I started to have these thoughts. If I was born out of wedlock, that must be sinful. And so that must make me sinful. And so I thought, no matter what I could do, I could never truly be happy. Because I was sinful, I didn’t deserve to be truly happy. So maybe that was why my biological father didn’t want to be in my life. Maybe that was why he didn’t write a letter back to me. I left church that day, keeping those thoughts to myself and only myself. And so for the next 16 years of my life, I lived my life believing all of that. I lived my life believing that other people’s happiness was more important than my own. 

Arlan | 4:30
I didn’t find out until I was 18 as to why he never wrote a letter. The letter he received included a note from my teacher as well as a letter that was written by a family member. The only thing that I wrote in that letter was simply “I love you, my father. I will be in third grade next school year.” Even though I wrote that small part, he didn’t believe anything he received was really from me. That’s why he never wrote me back.

Arlan | 5:06
Even though I knew this reason, that still didn’t change how I felt about myself and whether I deserved to be truly happy. It wouldn’t be until 5 years later, when I was 23, that I went to see a therapist to unpack all of this. It had gotten to the point where having this belief was affecting how I showed up in my relationship with my partner at the time. I even revealed for the first time to my mother, about this belief I held onto for so long.

Arlan | 5:40
When I went to therapy, it had gotten to a point where I just couldn’t believe what other people told me. It was helpful talking to my therapist, as I wanted to talk to someone who was going to be a neutral party. That they didn’t have as strong of an investment in me like my mother or even my partner at the time. 

Arlan | 6:05
Working with my therapist, I shared what I knew of my parent’s relationship and the insecurities that came up for me as a result of their separation. When my therapist relayed back how I understood things, I started to realize that some things didn’t make sense. Through these conversations, I came to realize and accept that my parents splitting up and ending their relationship was not my fault. They made that choice not because of me. They had their own problems that were separate from me.

Arlan | 6:42
I remember vividly after having that realization in that therapy session, I went into my car, buckled my seat belt and let out a big sigh. I remember thinking, “Wow, it feels like the weight of the world is off my shoulders. For the first time ever, I really feel happy and at ease with everything.”

Arlan | 7:12
After gaining that clarity from therapy, I was able to embrace and prioritize my own happiness. I finally believed that I deserved to be happy. Because I’ve been showing myself love and care, I have been able to show up more fully and authentically in my relationships with others. From dealing with this pain from childhood, I’ve come to realize that it’s on me to take care of me. That I am responsible for my own happiness and wellness. That it’s important for me to show up for me. That it’s important to have a strong relationship with myself.

Arlan | 8:02
And so, here’s a thought that I want to offer to you: one of the longest relationships that you will ever have in your life, is with yourself. The way that you show up for others like your close friends or loved ones, how you show love and care to them, do you do that for yourself as well? Throughout our lifetime, we’ll be able to share many wonderful moments with others. In all of those moments, you will always be there. Even in the moments when it’s just you, you are spending that moment with yourself. So take those opportunities to further deepen and strengthen the relationship that you have with yourself.

Arlan | 8:53
Thank you for taking the time to listen to me. I know that what I shared about my life, that was a lot to take in. It’s so crazy to think that what happens in childhood can have such profound impacts for the rest of your life. That the pain that I once felt and held onto, has been transformed into something pure and uplifting. I imagine there may be a lot coming up for you now after hearing all of this. And so I hope that you’re able to take time right now to show some love and care for you. After all, you are important.

Arlan | 9:40
Thank you for tuning into My Offering to You. If you appreciated what you heard, consider following on Instagram at myofferingtoyou or even subscribing on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.  Until the next time, this has been Arlan Mendiola, and I’ll catch you, at the next one.