The Hardest Lesson I Learned

My twenties was the period that I grew the most, where I discovered my passions and myself. I found love, said goodbye to love, and found love again. My twenties was an adventure, filled with growth. But one of the hardest lessons I have learned comes from this decade in my life.

In this episode, I talk about how I struggled navigating the changes in my relationships and friendships as we transitioned from college into postgrad life. What was once a 15 min walk to hang out in college, became 3 weeks to a month in advance to see one another in our postgrad years. It took most of this decade to discover how I could reframe and shift my perspective in coming to terms with these changes.

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Logo Art by Ella Apuntar. 

Transcript

Arlan | 0:11

Hello and welcome to My Offering to You. I am your host, Arlan Mendiola. I share my stories and reflections about life, in the hopes that it creates a spark, provides clarity, or even new possibility.

Arlan | 0:31
I often say that my twenties was the period that I grew the most. Discovering my passions. Discovering myself. Really understanding myself. Finding love, saying goodbye to love, and finding love again. My twenties was an adventure, filled with growth. But one of the hardest lessons I have learned comes from this decade of my life.

Arlan | 1:06
As I’ve shared in some of the previous episodes, I have struggled for the longest time with my own sense of worth and being alone with myself. When I found a sense of community during college, I also cultivated many meaningful and important relationships with others. These relationships became my support system for the many challenges that I would face.

Arlan | 1:37
It was so easy back then, to hit someone up to hang out. It would just be a 15-20 min walk down the street or across campus to see them. But things changed when we graduated from college. A lot of us moved away from each other, whether moving back in with family or relocating to a completely new city entirely. What was once a 15 min walk to hang out, became 3 weeks to a month in advance to see one another. Back then in college, when we were all in close geographic proximity to one another, that was the easiest it was ever going to be to spend time with each other. To spend time with the people that I cared about the most.

Arlan | 2:35
In the first few years into my post grad life, I struggled in navigating the changes to the relationships with my friends, both in level of frequency and communication. I often found myself thinking about them, wondering how they were doing and how their life was. But I also wondered if they were thinking about me too. There was no longer a structure, like being in a student organization, where we had reasons to come together. Like a fall reception or a cultural show. If anything, I would only see my friends on birthdays or holidays.

Arlan | 3:28
Not being satisfied with only seeing my friends on special occasions, I would take the initiative to reach out to a friend and set up time for us to share a meal together. But after a while, I started to notice that it was mostly me reaching out. I started to wonder, “Why was that? Did they no longer want to spend time with me? Do I no longer matter?” I remember how frustrated I became. I’m not proud of those moments, where I expressed my sadness and anger. At that time, I had a hard time understanding why things were changing. Why the times I was spending with them were becoming less frequent, far and few in between the last moment to the next. I was scared to lose my friendships, the folks that I relied on as my support system.

Arlan | 4:42
Time continued to pass by, where I would mainly  see my friends around big events like birthdays or holidays. Our priorities and responsibilities shifted, and our time went to other things. Then came graduate school, where I ended up leaving a lot of my friends in the Bay and moved to LA. And I moved to LA, knowing that I only really knew about 5 people in LA county. Over the next two years, I would see my friends less and less because of time and distance. As I entered into my final semester of graduate school, I was conducting my job search. A national job search at that. I was allowing myself to be open to the possibility of moving outside of California in my pursuit of my career. But as fate would have it, I would end up returning to the Bay Area and begin working back at my undergrad.

Arlan | 6:01
Because I was in closer geographic proximity to my friends, it created more opportunities to be with them. The thing was though, I felt like I was behind and playing catch up. There were several life moments that happened while I was away in LA that I couldn’t participate in. There was a part of me that was scared during this time. I found myself wondering, “What if during this time apart, my friends and I have become so radically different that we just no longer can relate to one another?” I just didn’t know.

Arlan | 6:48
During my first year in my new role, I went to a career conference and saw one of my alumni mentors. We spoke on a panel together. We started to catch up afterwards and updated each other on how our lives have been. I shared with them, “We should do this again sometime.” He replied, “Sure, let me know when you’re thinking of. I just want to let you know in advance that depending upon when it is, I may not be able to come through. I have a wife who’s pregnant with our second kid. I’m also finishing up my doctoral program soon too.” And then, it finally clicked.

Arlan | 7:41
He had his own priorities to take care of. I couldn’t suddenly ask him to make me a top priority. A priority above his pregnant wife and unborn second child. I had to respect his priorities and the time that he’s able to give. I couldn’t ask for more time because that’s all the time he’s able to give.

Arlan | 8:03
This interaction with my mentor changed how I viewed my friendships. So I owned up to my frustrations and anger, apologizing to my friends for being that way. I slowly started to shift my mentality and approach about the moments that I get to share with them. If I only get to have a few moments every year with them, then I have to make those moments count. I have to be fully present in those moments because they are the most important people to me. I eventually got to the point of becoming comfortable with the time and distance. Of being able to feel like I can pick up where I last left off with them. That in between those moments we share, we went out  on our own adventures. Discovering and experiencing life and what it has to offer. But when we return to each other, when we return from our adventures, for that brief moment, our lives intersect once again. Those moments are filled with joy and a sense of renewal for life.

Arlan | 9:30
Over this decade that was my twenties, I learned that relationships and priorities will change over time. People will come and go in my life. But no matter how long or brief those people enter into my life, the moments that I get to share with them bring a lot of meaning into my life.

Arlan | 10:01
I often share this life lesson to the students that I get to work with, especially the graduating seniors. I also frame it in a TV show analogy. In this current season of the TV show that is called Your Life, who are your main stars? Recurring characters? Or even guest stars? Who is making a cameo in today’s episode? What is sometimes hard to sit with, is the notion that a person who was once a main star in an earlier season of Your Life, is now just a guest star or even  someone who is making a cameo. Sometimes that happens because of a conscious choice and decision. Other times, it just slowly becomes that, no fault to any one.

Arlan | 11:08
When I think about all of this, it informs my approach in nurturing and maintaining relationships. As things change, as the seasons change, it requires an active commitment on all parties to be intentional with the relationship. To be present in the relationship and in the moments we get to share. This life lesson, this hardest lesson that I learned, is why I strongly connect with and keep reiterating the idea of “In this moment, you are the most important person to me.”

Arlan | 12:01
Thank you for tuning into My Offering to You. If you resonated with any part of the episode and found value in it, then follow us on Instagram, Apple Podcasts and Spotify. Until the next time, this has been Arlan Mendiola, and I’ll catch you, at the next one.